0.11 Longest Ride

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

0.11 … Longest Ride

They were there for me
right when I needed them.
They came to the house,
came to my room,
and sat with me,
knowing the silence of my friends
was what I needed to
drown out the howling
happening inside of me.

As family who felt like strangers
filtered in and out through
the doors all day long
with fruit baskets that
somehow meant sorry
and empty refrains of
we’ll be there for you,
the friends who were
my beyond blood family
sat with me, holding me,
understanding that
silence and their presence
and a soft stuffed animal
was all I needed to keep me
from joining my mother
like I so longed to.

I don’t know if it was
them or me that said
we should go stargazing,
but it was the only thing
that I wanted to do.

I got into my friend’s car,
laying across the
back seat by myself.
But my friend in the
front passenger side reached
back a hand through the
cracks between the seat and door
and held mine the whole way.
I held onto him for my life,
as I watched a world
that no longer made
any sense to me
fly past out the window.

Some days,
I feel like I’m still in that car.
Still watching a world
that no longer makes sense
zipping past me,
as I grasp for a hand to hold.

Sprawled on the grass in the Valley
beneath monuments and stars
I looked skyward,
wishing I could fall up into heaven
and find my mother waiting for me.

At home the next morning,
I awoke to my friends all still there.
Did I dream it? I asked them.

Silence has never been a more painful answer…

 ⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.

Cover Photo by Pan Xiaozhen on Unsplash   |   (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

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0.10 First Morning

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

0.10 … First Morning

They made us wait
in the nice room
with the cozy chairs
and paintings on the walls,
as if these trappings
could calm away the chaos
of hearing the words
I’m so sorry,
we did everything we could,
she didn’t make it…

Waiting for my sister
to arrive at the hospital
broke me only further.
I had always tried to
keep it together for her.
But this time I couldn’t.
There was nothing left of me
to hold on to.

When we got home from the hospital,
the rain was at last slowing down
and the sky became the kind
of golden rose that it does
after a fleeting yet
powerful storm.

I looked up at the splendor,
and tears returned, as I raged that
my mother no longer stood on Earth with me.
Yet, I was grateful at least that
she had been welcomed home to
such a glorious, resplendent sky.

 ⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.

Cover photo by Tevin Trinh on Unsplash  |   (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

0.9 Mom

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

(CONTENT WARNING: This poem discusses personal experiences with witnessing death. Please read at your own discretion.)
0.9 … Mom

They say your life
flashes before your eyes
when you die.
No one tells you
the same thing happens
when you are the one
to witness death.

My door got kicked in.
My sister was screaming.
My grandmother was crying.
I was sobbing,
but someone had to
keep Mom sitting up
until the ambulance arrived.

I sat at her side,
arm around her,
like it had been
hours before,
when I said good night.

But I could see it,
feel it…
life was leaving her…

I thought of every moment
that she held me as I cried.
I thought, this can’t be happening,
Mommy please don’t die…

Now all my mouth
could utter was
gutteral shouts,
begging my mother
to stay alive.

The sirens in the distance
sounded planets away,
I was too busy trying
to hear her breathing,
listening for a heart
I needed to keep beating.
The paramedics arrived,
and I moved to the side.

The way I cried, MOM!
haunts me everywhere I go.
My mother dying in my arms
is a pain I wish I didn’t have to know.

⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Cover Photo by Elayna Mae Darcy  |   (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

0.8 Last Night

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

0.8 … Last Night

It was like any other night.

Mom watching HGTV in bed,
me in the other room
messing around on the computer.
But then suddenly, DING.

The moment I’d been waiting for.
The email about college move in day.
I burst through my mother’s door.

I couldn’t contain the joy as I said,
It’s really happening! It’s all coming true!
Though still tired from the hospital,
I knew she was excited too.

I begged her to get my laptop,
promised I’d pay her back
through the summer.
But she refused,
and she promised,
I’ll get it for you,
one way or another.

(It was the last promise she made me,
and as always, one that she kept.
I just wish she hadn’t had to die
for the life insurance to be left.)

It was like any other night.

I hugged her, said I love you,
and headed off to bed.
I wish I’d known
it was the last time…
there’s so much more
I could have said.

⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.

Cover Photo by Quin Stevenson on Unsplash  |   (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

0.7 This Is It

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

0.7 … This Is It

I felt the disturbance
in the Force,
and knew in the deepest,
darkest parts of myself,
something is wrong.

Michael Jackson died!
My co-workers cried,
But I could not,
because the universe
was warning me,
this isn’t it.

My sister called,
Good news!
The hospital is
sending Mom home!
She’s all good to go!

But the universe nagged me,
something is still wrong…

My insides were knots,
my heart felt like it was bleeding,
and my body shook
from a spiritual chaos that
defied explanation.

Do you need to go home?
My co-workers asked.

I left.
But the universe
would not let go of
the anxiety raging inside of me.

I walked in the door,
saw Mom in her chair,
and ran to her,
tears still in my eyes.
I held her like I hadn’t
in a long time.

She didn’t understand
why I was so upset,
and at the time,
neither did I.

But looking back now,
it is crystal clear,
that the universe was
trying to warn me.

This is it…

⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.

Cover Photo by Cecile Hournau on Unsplash  |   (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

0.6 The Party

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

0.6 … The Party

I told her,
we can’t afford it,
it’s fine,
I don’t need one,
but it’s always been true
that I get all my
stubbornness from her.

I knew my graduation party
was more for her sake
than it was for mine.
But knowing what
I know now, I could
not be more grateful
she won that battle that time.

She couldn’t have known,
but with it, she gave us both
one last day in the sun.

Surrounded by family,
my dearest friends,
and the future,
we celebrated that
I made it and that
so much more was to come.

My Aunt snapped a photo of us,
one I begged her to delete.
Awful skin, crooked teeth,
a body taking up
too much of the frame.
But we wore genuine smiles,
and I thank God that memory remains.

Six days later, she left me for the stars.
Its the last photo I have with her,
the last moment that was ours.


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Cover photo by Samantha Gades  |   (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

0.5 The Apology

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

0.5 … The Apology

When I was small, so many people
beyond my years promised me that,
when you’re older, you’ll understand.

There are still many things that I am
not yet grown enough to comprehend.
But there was one thing I knew,
and I’m so grateful that I said it,
before my mom’s life reached its end.

It was a late night, not unlike any other,
Wawa cappuccinos on a school night,
just me and my mother.

We talked about life
and things I don’t remember,
but on my mind,
something smoldered,
just a fading thought ember.
When did you stop loving him,
I asked with precision.

She paused,
I never did, but I made a decision.
It doesn’t matter than I love him,
I couldn’t let him hurt you…

In her eyes, I could see it…
one of the worst things
life had put her through.

I’m sorry, I said.

Sorry for what?

Sorry that I blamed you for
doing what you must,
for choosing your children
over him, a man you couldn’t trust.

I loved my father,
but he hadn’t been there like her.
My mom was an anchor,
always steadfast, undettered.

I didn’t know then,
but another end was coming,
the one that would destroy me,
one that has kept the devil busy,
after me, always running.

But I’m glad the universe knew
and gave me that rare gift of closure
So my mother knew I forgave her.
That I understood.
That I was older.

 


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.

Cover photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash  |   (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

0.4 First Day

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

0.4 … First Day

While the other freshmen
were anxious about
the first day of high school,
I was busy being broken
by the father who died
the day before,
and the grandfather who died
mere weeks before him.

I wanted to be worried
about first impressions
and making friends
and new beginnings.
Instead I tried
to bite back the tears,
to bury deep my fears,
so no one would know
part of my world had just ended.

⚬⧝⚬

For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Cover photo Cynthia del Río on Unsplash  |  (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

0.3 Dad

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

0.3 … Dad

The last time I saw you
had been years before
you were gone.

It’s taken a lifetime for
me to reckon with
never getting
to say good bye,
and it is a pain
as much a part
of my blood as
the chromosomes
you lent me.

In my one recurring nightmare,
I scream at you, cry at you,
feel like I’m dying to get you
not to listen, but to hear me.
Hear my heartbreak.
Hear my lonlieness.
Hear how angry I am
that your actions meant
you never got to know me.

But in the dream,
after I scream,
I ask, don’t you have anything to say?!
And that’s the moment
it becomes a nightmare,
because you shake your head
and you walk away.

When mom told us,
I went numb,
not knowing how to reason
with the emotions of losing
a dad that I feared
never truly loved me.
But I still cried,
I still mourned,
because now,
I would never know.

And for that,
my heart felt
more shattered than
the bottles you once broke
against the floor.


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.

Cover photo by   James Sutton  |  (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

0.2 First Mourning

el (1)

INDEPENDENT

0.2 … First Mourning

My neighbor picked me up
from the theater where I’d
been rehearsing for a show,
but though I was the one
in a production,
my neighbor was the one
playing a role.

Let’s go for ice cream,
he said,
more somber (and kinder)
than I’d ever seen him.
It was then that I knew…
poppy is going to die today.

After the ice cream
we came home,
where the frail figure
of my once formidable
fire chief grandfather
lay in a hospice bed,
clinging to his final moments.

He quietly asked how my day was.
I told him through tears, it was good.
According to my mother,
that simple question to me
was the last thing she heard him say.

He went as anyone should hope to…

  • Years after the doctors said he would
  • Surrounded by loving family
  • At home, in a room that he built

It was the first time
I watched someone die,
and it would not be the last.
But losing my grandfather
is what cracked me open,
the first wound
that infected my heart
with the poisonous
sadness o
f loss…


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 0
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Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.

Cover photo by   Greg Ortega   |   (First Mourning © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)