INDEPENDENT

0.11 … Longest Ride

They were there for me
right when I needed them.
They came to the house,
came to my room,
and sat with me,
knowing the silence of my friends
was what I needed to
drown out the howling
happening inside of me.

As family who felt like strangers
filtered in and out through
the doors all day long
with fruit baskets that
somehow meant sorry
and empty refrains of
we’ll be there for you,
the friends who were
my beyond blood family
sat with me, holding me,
understanding that
silence and their presence
and a soft stuffed animal
was all I needed to keep me
from joining my mother
like I so longed to.

I don’t know if it was
them or me that said
we should go stargazing,
but it was the only thing
that I wanted to do.

I got into my friend’s car,
laying across the
back seat by myself.
But my friend in the
front passenger side reached
back a hand through the
cracks between the seat and door
and held mine the whole way.
I held onto him for my life,
as I watched a world
that no longer made
any sense to me
fly past out the window.

Some days,
I feel like I’m still in that car.
Still watching a world
that no longer makes sense
zipping past me,
as I grasp for a hand to hold.

Sprawled on the grass in the Valley
beneath monuments and stars
I looked skyward,
wishing I could fall up into heaven
and find my mother waiting for me.

At home the next morning,
I awoke to my friends all still there.
Did I dream it? I asked them.

Silence has never been a more painful answer…

 ⚬⧝⚬

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elluminations, vol. 0
INDEPENDENT

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Cover Photo by Pan Xiaozhen on Unsplash   |   (elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)