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NaNoWriMo 2018, Day 5, Elayna’s Log

Current Word Count: 12,065 words

Current GIF Mood

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It’s that magical time of year again friends, and even though I’m terrified of the election tomorrow and it often feels like the world has gone beyond dumpster fire into full on eldritch dystopian hellscape, I’m trying to find a tiny piece of hope to hold onto, and right now, that hope is NaNoWriMo. That hope is, as it always seems to be for me, Alteria.

You may recall a few months back when I made the whacky decision to try and write a third draft of book one at the same time as a first draft of book three. In retrospect…

tenor

Not the best idea.

It was a great idea in theory, but I burned out on that faster than a cheap t-light candle, and fell into a bit of a hole as I went through some stuff in my personal life. I wasn’t working on the story, book one OR three, and I was to be honest, feeling a bit trapped.

But then I applied for Pitch Wars 2018. I was more hopeful than I’ve been in a long, long time, thinking THIS IS IT. THE THING. IT IS HAPPENING. And then when I got a full manuscript request from one of the writers I was most stoked about pitching, I was bursting. Everything I’ve ever hoped and dreamed was so close I could taste it and friends it tasted like your favorite ice cream mixed with homemade cookies and goddamn rainbows.

When I got another email from that same writer, asking me specifics about the history of the manuscript and other questions of import, it felt like it was just a matter of time. I was drunk on hope, anxious with nerves, and really, really thought that my name was gonna be on that list on October 12th.

And then it wasn’t.

And then I broke a little.

Added to the six rejections I’ve gotten from agents in the last calendar year, that brings me to seven. When I got rejected from ANOTHER mentorship last week, that brought me to eight. I was feeling so kicked down, and scared that maybe I should quit. This manuscript will never be ready. The book will never be finished. I tried staying positive, but internally, the breakdown was more like an implosion.

Leave it to National Novel Writing Month to save the damn day and remind me to have hope in humans, existence, and my story.

The last five days working on this new draft (after an astronomical overhaul of the outline, plot, and even chopping some characters) I feel fan-bloody-tastic. Is this the honeymoon week of NaNo talking? Maybe. But who the hell cares if it means I feel rejuvenated in my writing?

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This draft, while in some ways very scary and new, is honestly one of the best decisions I’ve made creatively in a long time. Its outline came after talks with some closest friends about why I was getting stuck, and looking over rejection feedback, and a lot of it came down to this… there was something about my book that wasn’t personal enough.

If y’all have read my poetry, you know I go in. I lay myself out and say, this is what my soul looks like. But it turns out my fiction writing was full of just a little too much fiction, and not enough of my own voice. I was trying so hard to tell the plot of a sweeping epic trilogy, without telling the story of a girl who learns she’s got light inside of her. And so writing this so far has felt more authentic and honest than any drafts prior.

I’ve included places from my hometown. Woven in my own memories to Piper’s narrative. And if you can believe, I found a way to include poetry into my YA fantasy novel. I described the writing of this version as feeling like, “adding new plot elements, but talking to an old friend”, and so far, its been a magical decision.

I’ve got zero way of knowing right now if this is gonna be the one. I could still be in for a draft four, five, six, and twentyteen. Maybe this one will end up being too personal and I’ll have to go back and do this all over again. God only knows. But right now, I’m letting the delightful fire of a new draft fill me up and keep me warm. I’m enjoying the bejesus out of writing fiction, which I haven’t felt in some time. It’s a nice feeling. Just so nice.

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Though now it’s time to get back to it. I’d love to try and stay as ahead as I can on this word count, so I can make the most of the end of month when I have some vacation days tucked away just for writing.

If you’re participating in NaNo as well, sound off in the comments so we can encourage each other! And as ever, thanks for listening to my ramble about this thing I love doing so dang much.

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1.7 … Wrong Direction

el (1)

LOVE LESSONS

1.7 … Wrong Direction

I was looking
for love in all the
wrong directions.
From her, from him,
from the world,
from my work,
from the very air…
and I was looking
so far off
for what I thought
was promised,
that my unfocused eyes
missed the mother,
missed the teachers,
missed the friends,
missed the mirror
that was right there.
I thought the love
I wanted could only be
found in distant lands,
but the love I needed
was already in my own hands.

⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 1
LOVE LESSONS

Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.


Want to read more poetry?
Add Unraveling Light on…

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Buy the book on…

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(Featured Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash)

(elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

1.6 … Not Yet

el (1)

LOVE LESSONS

1.6 … Not Yet

Thinking of songs and stories
and all the came-before-mes,
I realize
that as glorious as those stories be,
all were missing something key…
me…
So whenever I feel lonely,
or sad that my love story
hasn’t been written yet,
I’ll remember it’s being written now
between me
and someone I haven’t met.

⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 1
LOVE LESSONS

Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.


Want to read more poetry?
Add Unraveling Light on…

Goodreads

Buy the book on…

Barnes & Noble | Amazon | IndieBound


(Featured Photo by Micheile Henderson on Unsplash)

(elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

1.5 … Who Deserves Me

el (1)

LOVE LESSONS

1.5 … Who Deserves Me

He said I would
never find love
because I cared too much
about my career,
as if writing words
and making films
and changing hearts
was a pursuit to be feared.

It hurt at first,
but the more distant
from those words I grow
the more I’m confident
and absolutely know,
that my passion for stories
is the greatest part of my being
and if that’s something the person
I fall in love with can’t see
then they certainly
don’t deserve any part of me.

⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 1
LOVE LESSONS

Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.


Want to read more poetry?
Add Unraveling Light on…

Goodreads

Buy the book on…

Barnes & Noble | Amazon | IndieBound


(Featured Photo by Da Kraplak on Unsplash)

(elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

1.4 … First Kiss

el (1)

LOVE LESSONS

1.4 … First Kiss

It should have been bliss.
I remember afterwards thinking
Romeo & Juliet didn’t die for this.
It left me wishing I were the star
of Never Been Kissed.
Anything to keep from
remembering those lips.

⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 1
LOVE LESSONS

Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.


Want to read more poetry?
Add Unraveling Light on…

Goodreads

Buy the book on…

Barnes & Noble | Amazon | IndieBound


(Featured Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash)

(elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

1.3 … Feel Loved

el (1)

LOVE LESSONS

1.3 … Feel Loved

30 around the corner
and the book of my loves
is still full of empty pages
and crossed out names,
unwritten passions,
and dreams unfulfilled.
I’ve learned to
be okay with the lonely,
but it doesn’t change
that the only
thing I want to do
is feel loved like
the sun loves the moon.

⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 1
LOVE LESSONS

Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.


Want to read more poetry?
Add Unraveling Light on…

Goodreads

Buy the book on…

Barnes & Noble | Amazon | IndieBound


(Featured Photo by Altınay Dinç on Unsplash)

(elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

1.2 … The Nebula of You

el (1)

LOVE LESSONS

1.2 … The Nebula of You

Look at a nebula
and consider its magnificence.
It is no single star,
nor a binary,
it is a cosmic cloud
of interstellar intricacies
and galactic glory
made of billions of
particles of stories.

You, dear queer child,
are like the nebula.
Complex and glowing,
beautifully showing
the universe that you
are marvelously multidimensional
and made from
science, magic, and love.

⚬⧝⚬


For more from this collection, visit

elluminations, vol. 1
LOVE LESSONS

Click here to learn more about elluminations. This poem is also available on Medium.


Want to read more poetry?
Add Unraveling Light on…

Goodreads

Buy the book on…

Barnes & Noble | Amazon | IndieBound


(Featured Photo from Canva)

(elluminations © 2018 Elayna Mae Darcy)

 

New Poems & News

Guess who’s dropping a new poetry collection this week? 👀

Yep, it me.

As some of you might recall a few months back, I decided to start a new series called elluminationswhich I originally planned to release quarterly through Patreon, while the first volume was made available for free.

Well friends, there’s been a change of plans, and this post is Part 1 of 2 explaining why. (Keep an eye out around mid October for the exciting surprise that is Part 2. 😉)

Say-No-to-Spoilers-Doctor-Who
Sooooon…

Part one of said change of plans is that I have decided to make elluminations vol. 1 available for free as well, and I will be releasing the whole collection over the next two weeks via this blog, Medium, and my Instagram page. This new collection is a bit shorter than vol. 0, and is called Love LessonsThe poems included in it are about personal experiences and struggles I’ve had in both finding love, and learning to love myself more. If you read the Love section in Unraveling Light, these poems serve as a nice companion to that.

The first poem in this collection, Seasons, will be released this evening here on Elayna Musings first, and then you can find it elsewhere on the internet tonight!

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Huzzah for poetry!

However! As excited as I am to announce this new set of poems, I do have one last part to this update, and that is that after a lot of deliberation over the summer, I’ve decided to phase out my Patreon page. Getting people to subscribe there has been a challenge, and while the people at Patreon are seriously creating something amazing for artists like myself, it just doesn’t seem to be the right fit for me. I’ll be posting an announcement over on there to let patrons know that as of October, that page will be inactive.

October is going to be a big month though, for while I am phasing out Patreon, I do have something new coming for y’all to take it’s place. Till then, I’ll be sharing the new elluminations poems, and finishing up the sending out of the Kickstarter perks for Unraveling Light. (Which if you haven’t ordered one yet, you get get your copy here, here, or here!) Thanks as always friends. Looking forward to sharing more stories with you soon! 😊


Like poetry?
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(Featured Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash)

• Who Am I? •

Who am I?
The first verse
of my 28th year
is a question,
another ellipsis
with lessons to be
revealed day by day
as I fight and love
onward
to where I’m meant
to go.
I don’t know
the destination
but I know that for it
I am destined.
I’m only human
for now,
but I was a soul
long before,
and my journey
forward
is less about
becoming someone new
and instead about
becoming the someone
I was before I
even knew my name
or what words were.
As I begin around this
system’s star once more,
I hold hope close,
and go forth with faith,
confident and sure… 


Hope you all enjoyed this. Rather than the usual writing all the things I’ve been through for my birthday (and especially given what a poetic past year it was for me) I felt it would be more fitting to celebrate the beginning of being 28 with a new poem. Here’s to a new year of being and stuff!


Want to read more poetry?
Add Unraveling Light on…

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Buy the book on…

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(Featured Photo by Josh Felise on Unsplash)

 

• Nostalgia •

The word evokes in most
Nickelodeon or N*Sync
or any of the other trappings
of our childhoods.
But for me, nostalgia has always
emerged in ways that
to the world might seem strange.

Backstage darkness,
the smell of lumber,
the hum of light fixtures.
12 scoop ice cream sundaes
from Friendly’s after
every special occasion,
and lying in the freshly
mown grass of the football field.
Candle wax between my
fingers while lying on the driveway.
Nights looking for meteors,
and cool, rainy mornings
in the shadows of stone history
when we were hoping for a sunrise.

Nostalgia tastes like
Charlie’s greasiest pizza,
smells like sweet incense,
feels like warm pavement,
and looks like starry skies.


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(Featured Photo by Blake Cheek on Unsplash)