From Now On…

You might recognize the title of this article as the title of something else. To be specific, the song from Greatest Showman, which in many ways was the musical of my past year. It was something my co-workers and I bonded over. It was something I listened to on repeat on days when I felt so amazing, I could have rewritten stars, and on days when I was hurting so much that it felt like nothing I could do would ever be enough. It was something my now roommate and I also bonded over, and which we now watch at least once a month in our house, which is the first place that has felt like home in over a decade.

The lessons and takeaways from this movie permeated every part of 2018 for me, and so it feels like no surprise now that the song that closes out that soundtrack should be the one that most explains how I plan to end my year, and jump into 2019.

From now on,
these eyes will not be blinded by the lights.
From now on
what’s waited till tomorrow starts tonight,
it starts tonight.
Let this promise in me start,
like an anthem in my heart,
from now on,
from now on…

Hugh Jackman as P.T. Barnum in The Greatest Showman

I know a lot of people talk about making big changes on New Year’s Eve. New year, new me, and all that. But y’all, never have I felt so in a place to bring about the changes I hope for in my life. Where I am at as a writer, as a person, where I physically live and the people I am surrounding myself with, it feels like something aligning for good.

I can’t pretend to know where I’ll be this time next year. If you’d told me New Year’s Eve of last year that I would have read at Kickstarter’s HQ along with Fran Wilde, or published my first book, or have developed a passion for painting, I would have thought you nine kinds of crazy. Yet here I am. Having done those things and more.

I spent half the year with a leg injury that put me in the hospital recently because it got infected. I lost my last living grandparent when my grandmother passed away on Thanksgiving. I lost track of the anxiety attacks and depressive episodes that sent me spiraling to the brink over the last twelve months. I have hated and doubted myself so much that I didn’t know if I’d make it to see another New Year’s Eve.

And yet.

In 2019, I’m going to be making one of the biggest changes of my life. I’m going to pursuing new creative endeavors. I’m going to be starting on a path that will hopefully lead to living a healthier life so I can do more of the things I dream of doing. Even have some plans to travel and see some people I love and have long missed. I have more hope than I’ve had in a long time, and thanks to everything I went through this year, I think I finally have the confidence to bring those things I hope for to fruition.

2018 has been wild y’all. I thank every one of you who follows this blog for being there. For reading my rambles, sharing my poems, buying my book, and leaving your likes as a kind show of encouragement.

There’s so much coming this year, so I hope you’re ready for it. I know I am.

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